Can't live with 'em...can't live without 'em

I find myself once again in a particular situation I loathe being in. There was this guy...(it always starts with a guy, darn trouble-makers)...he was a wonderful, genuine, funny, sexy guy...and I liked him. A lot. (Isn't that always the case?) I thought he liked me. After all we talked/texted everyday, had some scandalous/fun/serious conversations and were pretty set on meeting each other. He had even mentioned a hypothetical 5 yr+ plan if it worked out. He fit so so many things I wanted in a guy. He was even a firefighter ;) and could ride horses. He was LDS, but shared similar views with me, thought it was awesome that I was going to med school, and we just fit together really well. He had had some bad relationships, and I could really empathize...I wanted to make it better for him. I really did care for him. I was excited that it might actually be something. I resisted at first, but I knew I was slipping...and when I fall, I fall hard. Then the texts/calls stopped for a few days. It began to worry me. I already have anxiety...but let me back up as to explain why I am this way.

...

Several years ago there was another boy. First love boy we'll call him. I was crazy about him. Crazy. He was sweet and we had a lot of fun together. I had never had anyone want me like that, or a fun group of friends to hang out with, and he gave me that. I would have done almost anything for him at the time...except marriage outside my church or compromise my morals. Needless to say after a wonderful weekend of "I'm so lucky to have you...you're so beautiful...blah blah blah..." he ended it abruptly. No explanations except "it would never work, I don't want anything to do with your church." I begged. I pleaded. I ranted and raved. I spent the next two years trying to decide if my faith was worth this boy. I was so happy with him. Happier than I'd been in a long time. And he moved on like I had been nothing. It destroyed me. I've spent the time since then trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together when I realized I didn't even really know how they fit together or what the original shape was. I realized the problems ran a lot deeper than just a bad breakup. It also didn't help that depression's a pretty common occurrence in my family. If you've never been depressed or had someone you really cared about suffer from it - you really wouldn't understand unless you're just the most compassionate person in the world. I say that in the most loving way possible. It's miserable. It's given me an incredible amount of compassion for suffering in general, and especially mental illness. I'm still climbing out of the hole, but I at least like to think I'm almost there :P

This particular event precipitated several more on and off "relationships." Most weren't official...the one that was, I knew I didn't really like the guy, but he was intelligent, educated, well-traveled, and decent looking...and I was lonely. He filled the gap for the summer until I went to school, we went on a break, he started dating another girl, and I had to hound him to actually find out that we were officially broken up. News to me. It was hard to lose another relationship...I mourned the loneliness, but not the guy. He couldn't even be bothered to tell me he decided it was over.

The next guy I actually met online and flew out to see. In short, we talked/texted all the time, he had said things like, "If this works out, I'll make you feel like a queen forever...and remind you that you are one everyday." He shut down his online account saying "I already found the girl I want, I don't need it anymore." And when I expressed caution about him wanting to back out (since obviously it has happened before...several times), his response was, "Why would I back out of something that's dang near perfect?" So I splurged and went and saw him. We had a really fun time. I never heard from him again after he dropped me off at the airport.

At least have the balls to say, "Thanks, but no thanks... Here let me help you pay for the ticket you bought to come see me."

(Note these are only the main ones...there were several others with very similar endings...I guess I just never had the strength to end something - I was too hopeful it would actually work out.)

...

Needless to say, communication is very important to me. I understand things happen, and sometimes a guy can't call or text, but if you're trying to build a relationship with someone, you contact them. So when the communication halts for a period of time, it just sets this reaction off in me. I know what's coming. He's leaving and I'm going to be alone again. Enter anxiety.

That's what happened with Mr. Firefighter. I finally checked his facebook to find out he had gone to another state to see a different girl. (Side note: we weren't in the same state either.) Now, we weren't exclusive or anything, and I knew that he wanted to date a lot of people, but at the same time, he could at least check to see how I'm doing and just let me know what's up. (Remember, if you're trying to build a relationship, you contact that person.) He finally texted back. He then proceeded to spew bs about "I don't want to rush into a relationship...((I can understand that...I don't either))...she's ok with me dating other people... ((and I'm not? I just said those exact words a few days ago.))...she just wants to know...((and I don't??))...it worries me that you got upset...((wouldn't any other girl get upset? you told me you wanted to be the one who takes my virginity! Like a week ago!))...I'm going to focus on her now." The next day, they were in an official relationship.

Thanks...now I feel like a used piece of trash. (At least he bothered to tell me. Improvement!)

I will say this...I've never been more comfortable with being alone in my life. I'm actually enjoying it. Everyday I know more and more about me and who I am and what I want. And for the first time in my life, I don't want to date. I don't even want to look. I want to be happy. Genuinely happy. Like, crazy happy I can't keep from smiling happy. Then I want to share that happiness with someone. It's inside somewhere, I just have to get it to come out. It breaks my poor little already-tattered heart that it didn't happen with Mr. Firefighter. Truly...it hurts to even think about it. So much of what I wanted in one person...and I lost it. Without even a chance to fight for it. Seems to be my lot in life sometimes. I like to think I could've made him very happy.

But as for me...I keep growing...even if it's painful. I can't wait til the day where I find my guy. He's gonna be one lucky son of a gun!! ;) I have so much love just waiting for him to come and claim it. Knowing how it is to be without him...I'll be all the more grateful to be with him. I want to make him the happiest guy on earth. But in the meantime, I have work to do. I'm still trying to settle my faith issues. I have to decide if medical school is the right choice. It is complicated in part by the fact that I don't want to be alone forever and med school severely interferes with my ability to date and/or my flexibility if I actually find a guy... If I do it, he would have to move to where I go to school (or already be there), and then possibly pick up in 4 years and move again to wherever I get residency. Being a female doctor sucks sometimes, but it's awesome in the end...if I can just make it there.

Much love :)