Highway to Hell...and back :)

As for me and what I've been up to...went to Utah for this past week or so. I helped Dani and mom drive up there, and rediscovered my dislike of long car rides. We played "Highway to Hell" as we crossed the Utah state line...it was very appropriate lol. I'm pretty good at entertaining myself, but still. So glad to fly home. I could enjoy a road trip with close friends, but I'm still working on functional/felicitous familial relations. It's getting there...slowly. Still healing some childhood scars I didn't even realize I had til the past few years. Always fun to deal with those kind of issues. I know pain is part of this life, but I sure hope not many other people have to feel that kind of pain. But, I will be happy damnit!!! (I have to remind myself every now and again lol...) Good attitude is the key. Swearing about it just makes it easier! :D

I did however, manage to hook up with some old friends and it was really wonderful to see them. I didn't exactly make concrete plans because I was really planning on not going. This trip, originally for me, was to meet Mr. Firefighter. Needless to say, we haven't spoken since...well yeah, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was in Utah and just get hurt even more. However, I did enjoy seeing the old friends. I don't even remember the last time I saw Bailey. I'm sure we were probably dressed up as Cinderella or playing old school Donkey Kong on her super nes. (Below is my first attempt at a picture for your entertainment - success!! And go easy on me...it was taken at like 2 in the morning...)
Definitely remembered why we are friends. We got to catch up about the recent events in our life and our views on things like dating, church, school, and such. Glad some girls in this world know how to keep it real. (Especially mormon ones in Utah lol...) I really don't get what's attractive about immature, materialistic girls with the social and emotional skills of a high schooler. They seem to be rampant in Utah, and they have NO idea that they're that way. But maybe that's just me. Wish I could be brainless sometimes...would be a lot easier. And a lot less painful. Alas, I continue to be favored below such girls by most guys. Figures. Curse intelligence! Damn you brain! Juuuuuuuuuust kidding. Kinda.

The funny thing would be that every single person I talked about Mr. Firefighter and his new fling pretty much said the same thing. "Wow, he's a freaking retard / damn fool / idiot / moron"...I think you get the gist. But what can a girl do? If I tell him that I think he's making a mistake, he'll take it as I'm being the jealous girl that's just trying to manipulate him, regardless if I'm just trying to point out that he's doing EVERYTHING he said he DIDN'T want to do...such as jumping into a relationship and not working on himself. Sometimes you just wanna smack someone around. So what do I do? I tell the world wide web. Enjoy ya'll.

Another long lost friend would be Katie, my Texan-horse-loving cohort that I went to middle and high school with. She has a little girl now, who is absolutely adorable, but makes me feel old. I'm so mad I forgot to take pictures with her!! But it was good to see her happy, since things have not always been so with her. It was strange to see her married and have step-kids, and I know things are still difficult for her, but knowing she's happy helps. I meant to strangle her bishop while I was there...kinda sad I didn't get the opportunity. He's pretty much one of the most insensitive self-righteous bastards I've ever heard about. And he's the reason one of my best friends isn't going to church. Katie and I also discussed the ramifications of pissing off a girl from Texas. We have guns and tempers. And plenty of desolate land in west Texas. I'm sure your imagination can do the rest.

One of the highlights was the 4-wheeling though. It was so much fun!! The following is at the top of Hobble Creek Canyon...a very pretty view (minus the smog), and a very fun ride! I could atv all day long and then camp at night!! Maybe next time :P
I definitely caught air multiple times, almost flipped the atv, popped some wheelies, and probably scared the crap out of my mother and my sister's father in law who owned the atvs. But hey, if I die, I don't have to go to med school! That, and, I'm of the personal opinion, that when the Lord wants to take you He's gonna take you regardless, so you might as well have some fun. Which is why I never understood when my parents got super paranoid about a seemingly normal activity (such as jet skiing) that they deemed dangerous and therefore forbade me to do when I was a teenager. But their issues are a whole other topic altogether. I do love the mountains up here...and the weather. It's actually bearable during the day, so you can do outdoor activities, and the mountains are a great escape. I'd love to go camping in them someday. (Ok, so maybe I don't hate Utah as much as I let on...Texas is just inherently superior.) Maybe I'll find someplace with green, pretty mountains and no weird mormon culture. Colorado? I guess I have to see where med school/residency takes me first. :/ Unless I don't go! It's getting more and more tempting as the first day gets closer... -->Thinks happy thoughts not involving indentured servitude for the next 8 years<--

I did have some amazing spiritual experiences up there that were completely unexpected. I came here to get away, not to re-examine my life, but hey, I try to go with the flow. When hanging out with my friend Spencer, I was introduced to his friend Greg. Greg and I ended up talking for hours that night...pretty much just about everything. He could just tell that I had a lot going on and needed someone to listen without judging me or trying to make me feel any particular way. I haven't had someone just listen in so long. We talked about our relationships (he's married now), and the good and the bad (mostly bad for me lol), and ended up on God. It was strange but for the first time in such a long time, I really felt that God loved me. Just genuine, pure love. It was truly amazing. I can't even describe it in words. Serenity and peace ain't got nothin on this...or maybe that kind of feeling is where those words originated. I truly felt that he knew what I was going through, and it hurt Him, but it's almost over and He's truly working on my behalf. I never had that kind of feeling before...and I really resented that fact when I was going through some terribly rough times in the past few years. I was truly thankful to be blessed with it now when I'm trying to figure out so many things in my life. Greg just said so many things that I needed to hear - and said them in the right way. I don't think he'll ever know the extent to which him just being kind enough to talk to me reached, but maybe someday I'll get to thank him for salvaging what was left of my mangled faith and broken heart. I think one of my favorite things he said was, "You need a lot of love and support...but the thing is, you're worth it. And you deserve it." He actually made me feel like I have a place in God's heart, that I really am His daughter, and He's very concerned about me, and is willing to help me through this and even grant me miracles. Then in church the next day, everything was about miracles, and how they haven't stopped even today. I know what miracle I want, but that's between me and God. It would truly be amazing, and I would do anything for it. He also talked about praying for your future spouse. He prayed for a year just for his wife's well being before he even met her. It was so nice to see two people that were two halves of a whole. His wife was out of town, but I wish I could've met her. I could tell how much she meant to him and how much he truly loved her just by the way he talked about her. I want someone to feel that way about me. To miss me when I'm gone. To be happy when I come home. To really love and cherish me. I know I'll feel that way about him. I would never let a day go by without letting him know how much he is loved. I have a really giving heart. I can't help it. It sure does make transient dating suck though.

Cowboy, wherever you are, I'm praying for you. I miss you, and want you beside me. I hope you're happy and well. I'm looking for you, but I think you have to come to me. I would do anything to make you smile. To make you happy. I love you so much, it's hard to live without you. Please don't keep me waiting.

"I've seen what you can do. I've seen you make miracles and broken dreams come true. You made the heavens and the stars, so c'mon how hard could it be...to make [him] love me?"

Shenanigans!

Wow, so apparently I'm a bad blogger... I've been alternating between really fun / really busy and super boring lately. A few weekends ago my friend came into town and taught me how to shoot guns - it was AWESOME! And I was a pretty dang good shot! I'm gonna have to get my chl before I move... :P We also went fishing on her land and rode around on the horses bareback and just overall had a good time. Oh, and we went dancing. Her boyfriend's a decent dancer and I found some other guys to go around the floor, but I was definitely beat by 2 am. (I'm such an old lady lol.)

Anyway, lately I've been hanging out with my friends from San Marcos that I go dancing with in Gruene (the cutest little town in Texas...with the oldest dance hall too!) I'm getting better at not trying to lead the guy and have braved flips! I want to learn how to do the candlestick...but Seth has to solemnly swear he's not going to drop me on my head! Anyway, I went to midnight rodeo with them last Thursday up in Austin, and it was really fun! I need a new pair of boots though...so it looks like I'll have to check out Cavender's before next week. I met a nice guy named Cody there, who little did I know, would take me on a date this last Saturday...and it was really fun! We went to this Japanese restaurant where the cook right in front of you...our chef was really funny and even threw food into peoples' mouths lol. Cody was pretty good at catching them too! I was definitely impressed...my eye-hand coordination is lacking and I wouldn't even want to think what my eye-mouth coordination is lol. He had us laughing almost the whole meal. We also went and saw A-Team and then hung around his place and talked/watched tv :) Hopefully later this week we're checking out the lake, the zoo, and there were rumors of 4-wheeling... :D

Then today I went to church and ran into my absolutely fabulous cousin, Dorathe. Man, I love that girl. She's pretty much amazing, and it was nice to have someone to sit with / talk to / be generally irreverent with! :P Oh and she knows about a lot of the stuff I'm dealing with right now. That helps leagues too. It's nice to be able to open up to someone :)

Oh, and I'm totally on a Texas country kick lately. Best music ever. The difference between pop country and Texas country? Pop country, I'll buy one or two songs that I'll listen to from an artist - Texas country, I buy the whole album, having never heard it, and listen to every song and like every one. Maybe it's just the Texas girl in me :) Honestly, nothing beats a Texas girl. ;) If you haven't figured out the truth in this statement, you really should. You're cheating yourself otherwise lol.

Here's my latest favorite...kinda reminds me of myself, and it's super sweet. (And it sings about a girl with green eyes!!! Which are the best, we all know :P )

"She's Like Texas" - Josh Abbott Band

She's as free as blue bonnets in the summer.
She's as hot as the Padre Island sun.
Most of the time she's warm and friendly
Like the hills that surround Austin.

She's as bright as the Dallas sky.
She always holds her head up high.
She loves the company of her family.
She believes in God's greater plan.
She trusts that I'm a good man.
That's why I'll always believe
That she's like Texas, and she likes me.

Her eyes are green as the trees in Nacogdoches.
Her teeth are white as cotton in the fall.
And when she laughs you'll always take notice
Because her heart's charm shines right through it all.

Her moods can change like the weather out in Lubbock.
But if you show her love, man she'll return it

She's as bright as the Dallas sky.
She always holds her head up high.
She loves the company of her family.
She believes in God's greater plan.
She trusts that I'm a good man.
That's why I'll always believe
That she's like Texas, and she likes me.

Can't live with 'em...can't live without 'em

I find myself once again in a particular situation I loathe being in. There was this guy...(it always starts with a guy, darn trouble-makers)...he was a wonderful, genuine, funny, sexy guy...and I liked him. A lot. (Isn't that always the case?) I thought he liked me. After all we talked/texted everyday, had some scandalous/fun/serious conversations and were pretty set on meeting each other. He had even mentioned a hypothetical 5 yr+ plan if it worked out. He fit so so many things I wanted in a guy. He was even a firefighter ;) and could ride horses. He was LDS, but shared similar views with me, thought it was awesome that I was going to med school, and we just fit together really well. He had had some bad relationships, and I could really empathize...I wanted to make it better for him. I really did care for him. I was excited that it might actually be something. I resisted at first, but I knew I was slipping...and when I fall, I fall hard. Then the texts/calls stopped for a few days. It began to worry me. I already have anxiety...but let me back up as to explain why I am this way.

...

Several years ago there was another boy. First love boy we'll call him. I was crazy about him. Crazy. He was sweet and we had a lot of fun together. I had never had anyone want me like that, or a fun group of friends to hang out with, and he gave me that. I would have done almost anything for him at the time...except marriage outside my church or compromise my morals. Needless to say after a wonderful weekend of "I'm so lucky to have you...you're so beautiful...blah blah blah..." he ended it abruptly. No explanations except "it would never work, I don't want anything to do with your church." I begged. I pleaded. I ranted and raved. I spent the next two years trying to decide if my faith was worth this boy. I was so happy with him. Happier than I'd been in a long time. And he moved on like I had been nothing. It destroyed me. I've spent the time since then trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together when I realized I didn't even really know how they fit together or what the original shape was. I realized the problems ran a lot deeper than just a bad breakup. It also didn't help that depression's a pretty common occurrence in my family. If you've never been depressed or had someone you really cared about suffer from it - you really wouldn't understand unless you're just the most compassionate person in the world. I say that in the most loving way possible. It's miserable. It's given me an incredible amount of compassion for suffering in general, and especially mental illness. I'm still climbing out of the hole, but I at least like to think I'm almost there :P

This particular event precipitated several more on and off "relationships." Most weren't official...the one that was, I knew I didn't really like the guy, but he was intelligent, educated, well-traveled, and decent looking...and I was lonely. He filled the gap for the summer until I went to school, we went on a break, he started dating another girl, and I had to hound him to actually find out that we were officially broken up. News to me. It was hard to lose another relationship...I mourned the loneliness, but not the guy. He couldn't even be bothered to tell me he decided it was over.

The next guy I actually met online and flew out to see. In short, we talked/texted all the time, he had said things like, "If this works out, I'll make you feel like a queen forever...and remind you that you are one everyday." He shut down his online account saying "I already found the girl I want, I don't need it anymore." And when I expressed caution about him wanting to back out (since obviously it has happened before...several times), his response was, "Why would I back out of something that's dang near perfect?" So I splurged and went and saw him. We had a really fun time. I never heard from him again after he dropped me off at the airport.

At least have the balls to say, "Thanks, but no thanks... Here let me help you pay for the ticket you bought to come see me."

(Note these are only the main ones...there were several others with very similar endings...I guess I just never had the strength to end something - I was too hopeful it would actually work out.)

...

Needless to say, communication is very important to me. I understand things happen, and sometimes a guy can't call or text, but if you're trying to build a relationship with someone, you contact them. So when the communication halts for a period of time, it just sets this reaction off in me. I know what's coming. He's leaving and I'm going to be alone again. Enter anxiety.

That's what happened with Mr. Firefighter. I finally checked his facebook to find out he had gone to another state to see a different girl. (Side note: we weren't in the same state either.) Now, we weren't exclusive or anything, and I knew that he wanted to date a lot of people, but at the same time, he could at least check to see how I'm doing and just let me know what's up. (Remember, if you're trying to build a relationship, you contact that person.) He finally texted back. He then proceeded to spew bs about "I don't want to rush into a relationship...((I can understand that...I don't either))...she's ok with me dating other people... ((and I'm not? I just said those exact words a few days ago.))...she just wants to know...((and I don't??))...it worries me that you got upset...((wouldn't any other girl get upset? you told me you wanted to be the one who takes my virginity! Like a week ago!))...I'm going to focus on her now." The next day, they were in an official relationship.

Thanks...now I feel like a used piece of trash. (At least he bothered to tell me. Improvement!)

I will say this...I've never been more comfortable with being alone in my life. I'm actually enjoying it. Everyday I know more and more about me and who I am and what I want. And for the first time in my life, I don't want to date. I don't even want to look. I want to be happy. Genuinely happy. Like, crazy happy I can't keep from smiling happy. Then I want to share that happiness with someone. It's inside somewhere, I just have to get it to come out. It breaks my poor little already-tattered heart that it didn't happen with Mr. Firefighter. Truly...it hurts to even think about it. So much of what I wanted in one person...and I lost it. Without even a chance to fight for it. Seems to be my lot in life sometimes. I like to think I could've made him very happy.

But as for me...I keep growing...even if it's painful. I can't wait til the day where I find my guy. He's gonna be one lucky son of a gun!! ;) I have so much love just waiting for him to come and claim it. Knowing how it is to be without him...I'll be all the more grateful to be with him. I want to make him the happiest guy on earth. But in the meantime, I have work to do. I'm still trying to settle my faith issues. I have to decide if medical school is the right choice. It is complicated in part by the fact that I don't want to be alone forever and med school severely interferes with my ability to date and/or my flexibility if I actually find a guy... If I do it, he would have to move to where I go to school (or already be there), and then possibly pick up in 4 years and move again to wherever I get residency. Being a female doctor sucks sometimes, but it's awesome in the end...if I can just make it there.

Much love :)

First of all...setting up a design for this thing was HARD. I'm pretty indecisive...couple that with tons of choices and you've got a disaster lol. My friend Eric insisted I blog throughout medical school to keep everyone informed on my education and life, so I one-upped him and started early :P jk Eric...

Yes, I'm headed to medical school in the fall...most likely. It's a very hard decision to make. I've worked extremely hard for it through the past four years, been to hell (and still on my way back), and the first day gets closer and closer and I'm getting more and more nervous. I have input coming in from every direction, but in the end it's really just between me and the Lord. My end goal is dermatology - I love the field. It's amazing, fun, competitive to get into, but totally awesome to practice. It also gives me a very flexible schedule - something that is very important to me. I hope to have a family one day and I really do not want to be the mom that's never there. That touches on one of the reasons I wouldn't go to med school...it would be hard for whatever guy that would be crazy enough to marry me to build a family, work out a schedule, parent kids, and really just get through it. That and I know that in the church it's generally frowned upon for women to work outside the home. And I already had a guilt complex to begin with...

BUT...on the other hand, I've been told to use my talents...one of them that I see is intelligence. I would feel like I was wasting myself doing something else. And there would always be that nasty little voice reminding me I "could've" been a doctor. I hate that voice lol. That, and there's not even a guy I'm seriously dating right now, so I would hate to throw away an opportunity on a guy that I don't even know exists. I've also always been pretty independent...I like to know I can take care of myself and my own, at least financially.

So although those decisions are coming up quick, I'd rather blog about something else :P I've had a rough couple of weeks for various reasons, but I do see the little good things that have helped to make them much better. Tuesday before last, my sister Danielle took me out to Gruene Hall. (Gruene, Texas is possibly the most adorable small town in Texas and has an awesome band that plays there every Tuesday called Two Tons of Steel...so they call it "Two Ton Tuesdays" and it's been going on for about 15 years now.) Anyway I was feeling down, but she managed to convince me and I really wasn't sure I was going to have a good time...but I'm so glad I was wrong lol. Dani went to dance with her friend Albert (they're amazing dancers btw) and I knew Albert would dance with me eventually but I was pretty content to sit and listen to the music. So while sitting, I started chatting with the girl next to me who turned out to be from San Antonio too, went to a neighboring high school, and was my same age. That would be Kris, and she's pretty awesome. Kris then proceeded to introduce me to her friends, which included guys that could dance! Her friend Seth then asked me to dance and taught (I was re-learning) me how to dance...mostly two step. I really forgot how much I enjoyed dancing til that night. I didn't even notice the time pass! Afterwards Dani and I got food at Sonic, which was run by possibly the most incompetent teenagers ever lol, and then headed home.

Other highlights would include this last weekend I spent in the DFW area... I got to see WICKED!!! It was so amazing! I absolutely loved it. I actually drove up early, separately from my family, and stayed with my friend Alicia to visit. I was going to go riding at Ashley's place but she had too many riders that weekend :( Sad times... Ashley is an amazing rider and her family owns an amazing facility with amazing horses and last semester she was kind enough to let me come ride to keep me from going insane. Riding is very therapeutic for me...keeps the stress down :) There really is a breath of heaven between a horses ears...except when you're flying between them to land in the dirt - which has happened to me lol. Anyway Alicia, Maggie and I had a great time together on Friday - including another Fuzzy's Friday! It was good to see everyone again...the end of school got crazy and it seems like our last Fuzzy's Friday was a long time ago... Saturday was Wicked, which was amazing. We went with my sister Rachel's inlaws and then went out to dinner and played games afterward. Sunday my family went home and I went back to Alicia's. Alicia and I later went to Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale (a long-standing tradition for us lol) where I found the perfect pair of panties for me...they say "have fun" on the butt lol. (Having fun is my goal for the summer...through various trying things, it's actually become a rather difficult thing for me to do...but more on that later.) I also went and said goodbye to Dr. Harrington's office and took Dr. Harrington chocolates...which she loves. She always says she runs on chocolate and diet coke lol. (And it's true...) Dr. Harrington and her involvement in my life deserves it's own post so I'll save that for a more boring day. Needless to say...she's awesome.

I drove home Monday evening and went to Two Ton again on Tuesday...and had a lot of fun again. Except when Seth punched me in the jaw with his elbow...which he called an "accident" :P No, he really didn't mean to, but I enjoy giving him a hard time about it. I never knew dancing could be so dangerous lol...I'll start carrying my medical insurance card on me when I dance with Seth! Yesterday was...difficult...but I made it through and today I have to do a drivers safety course for the accident I was in on my bday. :( Boo! Yeah, when you rear-end someone in Texas, you get a ticket, just fyi for all you non-Texas resident readers. Oh yeah and now I have to get a different car...apparently there was more damage than we though originally (the accident was in December) and so my dad decided it would be best for me to get something else that I don't have to baby while I'm in med school. Unfortunately, that probably means taking out a car loan :/ I'm not ready to be a big kid :P Anyway, that's all for now folks, I've really got to get on this driver safety course so I can go to midnight rodeo tonight!!!

Much love :)